Communication has historically been a challenge of the human condition. How else do we explain the inclusion of Right Speech as a limb of the Noble Eightfold Path? It must have been apparent, even in the Buddha’s lifetime, that communication when used improperly could be a tremendous source of human suffering.
In his new book, Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication, Oren Jay Sofer valiantly takes on the foibles of human communication. Published under the auspices of Shambhala Publications, Sofer provides an adept weaving of mindfulness, Right Speech and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) into an accessible and practical guide that can assist its readers to improve and hone their interpersonal communication skills.
It would seem the trajectory of Sofer’s life pre-ordained him to merge these kindred approaches to communication. Having practiced meditation in the Theravada Buddhist tradition for over twenty years, as well as, being a graduate of the Insight Meditation Society – Spirit Rock Vipasanna Teacher Training, he is an established teacher of Insight meditation and mindfulness in both Buddhist and secular settings. Additionally, Sofer is a certified teacher of NVC, a form developed in the 1960s by Marshall Rosenberg, to foster authentic and compassionate interactions within human relationships. His teaching style is also shaped by training in the embodiment practices of Somatic Experiencing, Qi Gong and Hanna Somatics.
Sofer’s approach to intertwining these forms of communication is broken down into three foundations: Lead with Presence, Come from Curiosity and Care, and Focus on What Matters. In the chapters on Lead with Presence, Sofer establishes the significance of mindful and embodied awareness, the cultivation of which serves as the means for development of connection, clear seeing, establishing balance and recognizing choice. Come from Curiosity and Care, encourages awareness of personal intentions—utilizing mindfulness to recognize habits that thwart understanding and fostering new skills that deepen trust between parties. Focus on What Matters, is concerned with developing attentional capacity to distinguish what’s most important within conversation through use of the four components of NVC: observations, feelings, needs and requests. The book concludes with strategies for approaching, tracking and staying on topic within dialogue, even when the stakes are high.
Sofer points out early on in his book, learning to communicate mindfully is a lot like learning to ride a bike. It takes time, practice and initially some training wheels.
Fortunately, every section of Say What You Mean offers technical information, wise guidance, anecdotal stories and a plethora of practices to foster incorporation of these forms into daily life. For ease of use as a source of reference, each chapter concludes with a summary of principles, key points and frequently asked questions that help to condense and further extrapolate nuances of the teachings.
At a time in our collective humanity when disparities seem to be more apparent than commonalities, the merits of Say What You Mean could rest alone on the hope it affords its readers to move beyond relating to others as an opposing force and towards a greater recognition of our interconnection. Fortunately, Sofer’s book goes further, by means of its well-informed guidance and instruction, to advance the practicalities of Right Speech and Nonviolent Communication so that both are more accessible to those who wish to cultivate their hearts and minds within the domain of interpersonal communication.
Oren Jay Sofer led a non-residential retreat “Waking Up Together” in Kansas City April 4-7, 2019.
Amy Zoe Schonhoff is the founder of Mindfulness in the Heartland, a teacher of mindfulness-based interventions and Vice President of Mid America Dharma.