By Joe McCormack
In September of this year, Robert Brumet and I will be offering an online Householder’s Retreat. The Householder’s Retreat schedule starts and ends with a daylong retreat. There are two evening check in meetings during the week. The leaders give assignments with instructions for practicing mindfulness during the week. There are check in sessions which help to observe the reactions we have to the stresses of everyday life.
The structure of a householder’s retreat differs from a typical Theravada retreat where we arrive in an evening followed by some days of silent practice. While that structure is wonderful for the arising of skillful concentration and mindfulness, as well as insight, the emphasis on silence does not shed as much light on the place where most of our work with difficult emotions and reactivity happens–in our daily lives; in the co-worker who says something that feels insulting, the disagreements with our spouse, or in trying to manage unmanageable hours at work. For most of us this is where opportunities for practice abound. As we clarify our experience, mindfulness is helpful in recognizing, naming, investigating, and understanding our pain in a different way and ultimately letting go of our identification with the mental states that afflict us. As we clarify our experience, mindfulness is helpful to calm the mind and body, and to see how the reactions we have are impermanent, unsatisfactory, and not self.
Why Do We Suffer?
We experience a lot of stresses in life. Cars breaking down, getting ill, conflict at work or in a relationship. They cause suffering when they arise. The Buddha taught “I teach only suffering and the end of suffering.” The teachings he offered, including meditation practice, probably would not help us win the lottery or have a better car, but could help people meet suffering and the thought patterns they create. He offered the practice of meditation which meets that suffering with mindfulness, awareness, wisdom and kindness. The Pali word for stress, both from unfortunate events and our mental reactions is dukkha. Some examples of dukkha include fear, grief, depression and resentment. The remedy is mindfulness which helps us to see the suffering and to let go of the inner reactivity that causes us to cling to our cravings, preferences, and other mental reactions.
The Four Noble Truths
The Buddha taught that there are four truths which are a part of the human condition and help to guide us. They are:
1) There is suffering. The Pali word for suffering is dukkha. Dukkha can happen in relation to the vicissitudes of life, and in relation to our reactions which create suffering. Most of us are reliving past events, usually painful ones, or looking to the future with anxiety and apprehensiveness. When we do not recognize the truth, if something is unpleasant, we feel like it is due to our shortcomings. We weren’t as clever, hardworking, or virtuous enough to prevent this bad thing from happening. When we do recognize this truth, the suffering eases and that allows us to take our place in a world of seven billion other beings who suffer as we do. What a relief!!
2) The cause of our suffering is craving, resisting life as it is. The Pali word is for craving is tanha, which translates as thirst. We can crave water and other things, a person, the right job, the recognition of others, or getting our mental suffering fixed.
3) The cessation of suffering happens when we let go of the resistance to the way life is unfolding. We stop commanding the universe to be how we would like it. When we recognize this, we let go. This can happen in small ways, such as when we let go of our anger because our car is not working. It can take place in major ways, such as when we are able to come to terms with disappointments in our life.
4) There is a Path that creates the conditions for the removal of suffering and that is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of skillful view, intention, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness, and concentration.
What is Mindfulness?
Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, offers a good working definition. His definition notes that mindfulness is the awareness that happens when we are a) paying attention b) on purpose; c) in the present moment d) without judgment, and e) with acceptance of life as it is.
Mindfulness is intentionally directing attention to an object such as the breath or loving kindness. We are always paying attention to something, whether it is helpful or not. The mind is always aware of something and often wanders from topic to topic. With mindfulness, we form the intention to return to the breath each time we see that the mind has wandered.
This also builds concentration, which relaxes the body and mind.
He further defines mindfulness as in the present moment. Most of the time we have in the mind distress over past events or anxiety over the future. Mindfulness over and over brings us back to the immediacy of the sacred now.
When referring to being without judgment, he is noting that the conditioned mind is always judging something, usually when we find the sense experience to be pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. When the mind reacts to a pleasant object, the reaction is to crave that object and want more of it. When we experience unpleasant sense objects, the reaction is aversion and the desire to want to be rid of it. When the object is neutral, the mind’s reaction is to get bored and stop paying attention. When we practice mindfulness, we suspend our judgments in order to investigate our reactions with precision.
With acceptance, we let go of the desire to have things pleasant and not unpleasant. With mindfulness, we are not seeing the present moment as good or bad; we are looking at the moment with precision.
Another important aspect of dharma practice involves employing mindfulness to see what aspects of our life are experiencing suffering. This could be a bodily sensation, or the mind’s reactions to what is present in this moment. This helps clarify the suffering, the mental states causing suffering to arise and finding the conditions that are conducive to increasing skillful states of mind (kindness, generosity, and compassion) and decreasing unskillful states of mind (greed, hate, and confusion).
How Mindfulness Works
The ultimate goal of mindfulness is to gain insight into those mental factors that create more anxiety, anger, fear, guilt, and resentment. In doing so, approaching mindful investigation of our own states of mind can be useful to map out how mindfulness works over time. Physically, there can be tension in the body, heart racing, flushing in the face, sweating, shaking and trembling. Mentally, there can be anger, shame, anxiety, hurt feelings, the impulse to retaliate, or escape the situation and isolate. Behaviorally, there can be physical aggression, yelling, sarcasm or harsh words. The latter reactions are likely to be rare for those reading this article.
When someone has insulted us for example, the recipient of the insult is likely to experience some of the above reactions. The sense of equilibrium and peace is disturbed. Before one learns mindfulness or an instruction on how to calm oneself, these mental reactions arise and cease, but there is no awareness of them. Reactions to stress may be present, but the person may have no way of coping other than retaliating or suppressing the impulse that has arisen.
When one first learns mindfulness, the first few attempts to bring it to bear on the emotional, physical, or mental manifestations of reactivity may not be successful. As one learns and practices mindfulness, the moment when mindfulness arises will become closer to the time when provocation occurs.
With mindfulness strengthened by practice, we are better able to access the skills needed to regulate the emotional upset, and to calm oneself. With the mind calmer, it is within our grasp to watch the physiological and mental upset that has arisen, recognize its presence, and pause when the reaction is noted. One can remember to breathe or to say, “I need some time to process this”. Gradually, one learns to meet an insult with more calm, and to bring compassion to both themselves and to the person who has been insulting. One learns that emotional upset comes and goes; an insight into impermanence. One learns that the person who insulted us did so out of ignorance. Mindfulness allows greater regulation of distress, how distress is caused and how it can cease. We begin to see that person’s insult and our reactions to it are due to conditioning. As we see the unfolding of life, and investigate, we begin to live through the Buddha’s teachings. We begin to understand more about suffering, its causes, and the effect of mindfulness in our lives. This may lead to an insight into emptiness or not self.
As one’s experience with mindfulness unfolds, as one experiences the calming effects of mindfulness meditation, one is more able to be present in the midst of emotional upset, and is able to enjoy the healing effects of the dharma. With that presence, the calm, wisdom and loving kindness within us radiates to those around us, and they too can be healed by our presence.
Deepening Mindfulness
As mindfulness deepens, we see afflictive emotions arise, and we are not caught in them, but rather we observe them as they come and go. This can be helpful in staying with the upset with calm and poise. At first when there is an intense emotion, it may be only seconds that the person can stay with it, but with practice it is possible to increase that time to minutes or hours. We can be present when we are creating a space where we can stay present, investigate, and explore our reactivity in an atmosphere of safety. We begin to see with greater clarity that our own, and another person’s “flaws“ are not due to intentional malice, but due to ignorance and lack of inner resources to cope with stress. This is an insight into emptiness or not self. Surprisingly enough, we might find that insight into not self is comforting because we are more able to be in the flow of life unfolding,
When one first learns mindfulness, the first few attempts to bring it to bear on the emotional, physical, or mental manifestations of reactivity may not be successful. As one learns and practices mindfulness, the moment when mindfulness arises will become closer to the time when provocation occurs.
With mindfulness strengthened by practice, we are better able to access the skills needed to regulate the emotional upset, and to calm oneself. With the mind calmer, it is within our grasp to watch the physiological and mental upset that has arisen, recognize its presence, and pause when the reaction is noted. One can remember to breathe or to say, “I need some time to process this”. Gradually, one learns to meet an insult with more calm, and to bring compassion to both themselves and to the person who has been insulting. One learns that emotional upset comes and goes; an insight into impermanence. One learns that the person who insulted us did so out of ignorance. Mindfulness allows greater regulation of distress, how distress is caused and how it can cease. We begin to see that person’s insult and our reactions to it are due to conditioning. As we see the unfolding of life, and investigate, we begin to live through the Buddha’s teachings. We begin to understand more about suffering, its causes, and the effect of mindfulness in our lives. This may lead to an insight into emptiness or not self.
As one’s experience with mindfulness unfolds, as one experiences the calming effects of mindfulness meditation, one is more able to be present in the midst of emotional upset, and is able to enjoy the healing effects of the dharma. With that presence, the calm, wisdom and loving kindness within us radiates to those around us, and they too can be healed by our presence.
Deepening Mindfulness
As mindfulness deepens, we see afflictive emotions arise, and we are not caught in them, but rather we observe them as they come and go. This can be helpful in staying with the upset with calm and poise. At first when there is an intense emotion, it may be only seconds that the person can stay with it, but with practice it is possible to increase that time to minutes or hours. We can be present when we are creating a space where we can stay present, investigate, and explore our reactivity in an atmosphere of safety. We begin to see with greater clarity that our own, and another person’s “flaws “are not due to intentional malice, but due to ignorance and lack of inner resources to cope with stress. This is an insight into emptiness or not self. Surprisingly enough, we might find that insight into not self is comforting because we are more able to be in the flow of life unfolding,
We find when afflictive mind states arise, we have greater confidence that we can handle them, because we have seen for ourselves that mindful awareness creates healing without needing to fix the mental state that is there.
The practice of mindfulness doesn’t stop with being able to help calm anger, fear, guilt, and shame. The steps we went through change our relationship to difficult feelings. Now, we are also looking at the experience through the lens of mindfulness. We are no longer caught in the grip of reactivity—we are observing it. When one practices mindfulness in this way, one’s heart is changed. When there is calm, we are able to inhabit a space of kindness, compassion, equanimity, and wisdom and this attitude of heart radiates to others around us. With this, we can be more of the change that the world so sorely needs.
Joe McCormack has practiced insight meditation since 1995. He has been a member of the Show Me Dharma Teachers Council since 2002. In January 2008, he completed the Community Dharma Leader training program through Spirit Rock Meditation Center.
Robert Brumet has practiced Insight Meditation since 1988. He has been leading a local sangha and conducting meditation retreats throughout North America since 1995. He has received vipassana facilitator training and Community Dharma Leader training sponsored by Spirit Rock Meditation Center.
Joe and Robert will be offering a Householder Retreat Working with the Conditioned Mind in Everyday Life online September 7, 9, 11 & 13, 2025. Registration opens June 7, 2025.